He always has his earbuds in

Friday | July 19, 2024

Love Letters Marriage

He always has his earbuds in

Looking for advice. My husband is a good dad (helps, feeds the kids, gets them to sleep, is generally an equal partner). BUT – he often has his earbuds in listening to podcasts/playing video games while with the kids/me, and as a result can’t hear us when we’re talking, and he doesn’t talk much to them.

It’s killing me. It’s dangerous (they’re 1 and 3!) but also really rude. He won’t budge and says I’m nagging him. How can I convince him to play video games less and take out the headphones and just do that on his own time (late at night, lunch break at work)?

It sounds extreme, but I contemplate divorce over it. He gets so defensive and aggressive whenever I ask him to stop and be with his family/talk to the kids. I don’t want to live with it.

— Defensive

Is he open to seeing a counselor? Because it sounds like he’s miserable and trying to escape his daily routine. That makes you miserable for different reasons.

Having kids is difficult (I hear). We’re told by the world that we’re supposed to love it – that even the annoying parts of the process are wonderful because they’re your kids. In reality, it seems like a lot of nights without sleep, a radical change in identity, and a loss of freedom.

I mean, with a ton of cute-kid good stuff thrown in, too.

The point is, it’s not working as is, and it might help to talk to someone about why. Maybe depression is an issue here. I say this as someone who listens to podcasts for many hours in a row, sometimes over and over, to self-soothe. In moderation, it’s great entertainment. When it becomes more, it’s about detaching from reality – and I know something is up.

You didn’t say what he was like before the kids. Did your husband like video games then? Maybe he did, but it didn’t matter. It might be helpful to tell him what you miss.

I also wonder what would happen if you got a babysitter for a night. Can you enjoy each other when you have real free time? It would be nice to be out of the house for a few hours alone to see how you feel about each other.

Therapy and a babysitter. If he’s opposed to therapy, go on your own. If he’s opposed to any kind of change, maybe that is a reason to think about a new kind of future.

But let’s not go to divorce yet. First, ask him to go with you to get help.

– Meredith

Readers? Therapy? Divorce? What were the first years of raising kids like for you and a partner?

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Featured Comment

I don’t think considering divorce over this is extreme. You’ve told him this hurts you, it leaves you unfairly responsible for the care of your two children, and that you want him to be more present. You wouldn’t be divorcing over his wearing of headphones, rather, his stubbornness and inflexibility, lack of presence in your relationship, and lack of care for your feelings. The next step would be expressing how seriously this is impacting you and that you think you need counseling. If he won’t budge and he’s determined to make zero change, I think reconsidering your marriage entirely makes sense.

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