Would it help to see him in person?

Thursday | July 18, 2024

Love Letters Marriage

Would it help to see him in person?

He’s married. I’m married. We had something long ago and I want it again.

We found each other – not in person, this time around – and I’ve told him how I feel, how I still think of him that way, but he’s keeping me at bay.

There’s something so special to me about loving him forever. Maybe it’s attachment issues. Maybe it’s our true connection and pure enjoyment of each other.

God, it hurts. The longing. I can’t wait to be past it yet I keep letting my mind think about his eyes, envisioning him there loving me back. I’m so sorry to my spouse and his. Maybe I’ll be able to change my perspective.

I imagine you’d advise against it, but a big part of me thinks a friendship with this man would provide us both with support and happiness that will be missing otherwise. Honoring our spouses however makes it icky at this time.

Ideally, though, I would love to meet for a drink and realize the caring/bond/attraction is simply at a friend level anyway, and move past the fantastical thinking. But is that dangerous?

– Kept at Bay

Do you have to meet for a drink?

That sounds like a date – or a big romantic test.

What if you met up with him and your loved ones at a party? What if you invited him – and his spouse – to some kind of barbecue? A very unsexy barbecue. The kind with lots of potato salad.

If you want friendship, pursue this like a friend.

I’m thinking of a night, years ago, when I got together with an ex at a bar to “catch up.” We went to a small place in the South End with late-night vibes. I felt mysterious, accomplished, breezy – like the kind of person who knows how to order a cocktail. That was my mission – to be sexy and show him I’m like a character in a movie. Someone you’d pine for.

Twenty minutes after I left that drink, I was at a friend’s house blowing my nose, laughing, and being my normal self.

Part of me feels like you shouldn’t see your guy at all (and I’m sure others will agree), but if this fantasy version of a former significant other is turning into something mythical, I do believe it might help to catch a glimpse of reality.

It would be clarifying to see this man with his kids (if he has any). Ask him to get together in a way that provides context.

If he says no because he wants to keep you at bay, there’s your answer. He’ll be saying he doesn’t want you around, which isn’t proof that he loves you too much. All it means is that he’s prioritizing others.

If he says yes, find an activity with lots of people and bright lights. Keep it real and see what happens.

– Meredith

Readers? Meet up? Stay away? Let the myth fester and grow? How do you stop the fantasy of temptation from getting out of control?

What’s been on your mind about relationships? Ask your own question. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].

Cheating I reached out to my ex Marriage

Featured Comment

Dear LW drop this fantasy. No good can come from it; only a world of pain for your collaterals (your spouses and families). Instead of obsessing about this mythical relationship, spend your energy looking at what is dissatisfying you in your REAL relationship. Pay close attention to that and work on it, and I suspect the what-if’s will fade away by themselves. And I don’t recommend inviting him and his unsuspecting spouse to a picnic. Neither your husband, his wife, or he himself will understand the motive of this invitation. You’ve made your commitment to your husband and your marriage – that’s where you need to do the work.

HikerGal128NH Share Thoughts