He's phubbing me (and others)

Monday | July 29, 2024

Love Letters Marriage

He’s phubbing me (and others)

Hi Meredith,

My partner and I are 30, live together, and are getting married next month (!!). I genuinely love him, am so excited for our future, and am immensely grateful for him in my life. He is an amazing guy. After four years, we have worked hard to have healthy communication. I think we’ve come a long way. However, my main issue is… his phone. He is on his phone constantly. If you’re picturing what that might look like in your mind, double that.

If we’re having a conversation on the couch, he is scrolling. If we’re enjoying a glass of wine with my parents at their house, he is scrolling. I even see him do it at baseball games or while watching his favorite shows, so I know it isn’t just when he’s bored. (Multiple people have told me he is on his phone a lot, too.) It is something that I’ve more or less brought up about 30 times. I tell him often, “Can you get off your phone while we chat about this,” or “Please put your phone away so we can both pay attention to the movie.” Sometimes he listens, but sometimes he gets defensive. He tells me that I’m on my phone a lot, too, etc. It’s become something that bothers me a lot and I don’t know if this requires a bigger, sit-down conversation.

I told him recently I’d like to prioritize time together where we have each other’s undivided attention so we decided to cook together more often and go on date nights every Friday night, but I still think the phone issue is not going away on a daily basis. I don’t want this to become an argument but I feel like every time I see him take out his phone, I get irrationally angry. I truly think at this stage in our relationship, so close to marriage, our life together feels really wonderful. I just don’t want him to pass his life by on his phone. I would love advice on how to approach this.

– Phone Police

I’m so sorry. The phone thing is difficult because it seems like it’s not a big deal – everybody’s on their phones, right? – but it’s annoying, hurtful, and can ruin relationships.

There have been a bunch of studies about “phubbing” (what they call it when someone snubs you for their phone). Months ago, I spoke to one researcher at the University of Bath – Yasin Rofcanin – who told me that people who are phubbed at home can feel negative effects in the workplace. It messes with their ability to be creative – and it’s especially bad for women – which I have theories about. (Rofcanin’s study is here.)

Other studies show that using a phone around a parter can contribute to loneliness over time. You could show your partner what comes up when you google “phubbing” because the science says it all.

Also, it might help to ask, on any given night when he takes out his phone, “Hey, do you need some time alone?” Because he might need more space.

Sometimes when I grab my phone, it feels like compulsive behavior – like I can’t sit still with my own thoughts, or that I’m so used to be entertained and getting up-to-the-second news that I’m drawn to more scrolling. (I’m working on this; the election cycle is not helping). Other times, though, it’s a way to dismiss myself from the rest of the world.

If I’m with friends for two hours – even people I adore – the phone might give my introvert brain a way to take a break. It would be better if I said to loved ones, “Hey, I need to power my brain down for a bit,” but sometimes the phone is in my hand before I know it. Also, on occasion I do need time to respond to an email, check in with family, etc.

Maybe offering to walk away will help him assess his needs.

– Meredith

Readers? How have you talked about phone use and phubbing with loved ones/family/friends?

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Featured Comment

It’s not an all or nothing proposition like you are suggesting. You have carved out at least two times each week where he is not on his phone when with you. That’s a good start. It sounds like he has an addiction and that is going to take time to break. Give him time to break it, assuming that is what he wants, and celebrate the small victories along the way.

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