Hi Meredith,

This probably sounds really morbid and out there, but I’m at a point where I don’t know if I can ever change my answer to the “burning house” question; not in terms of what I would take from the house, but who I would save from it if I had to choose between A and B. It’s unpleasant but I feel like it really gets to the point of what I think my issues with relationships are.

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. We just had our legal separation finalized. We plan on divorcing within the next few years, it’s just a matter of waiting until interest rates (hopefully) improve and my husband finding affordable health insurance (he’s on my benefits). We still live together and he has moved on emotionally and has a girlfriend. She’s very nice and I’m truly happy for him. We married more out of necessity than love. There was never a fire between us and we both knew that our marriage was not forever. It was always a struggle to be intimate, and I stopped trying all together eventually. I still hold a lot of guilt for that. We are still friends and are very compatible as roommates, just not as partners. There’s no jealousy or betrayal here.

Now to the point and back to the burning house question: when he asked me if I was interested in dating again, I honestly didn’t know what to say. I think the idea is slightly intriguing but I really don’t know if I could ever truly love someone the way that a relationship requires to be successful. The relationships that matter most to me are that of my sister and my dogs. I’m very close to my sister and we are both very committed to our dogs and the sports/activities that we do with them. My dogs are the reason why I wake up in the morning, why I’m physically active, why I challenge myself, and what I schedule my life around. Yes, most would think this is sad. But my involvement in the dog sports community has led to great friends and the bulk of my social life (OK this also probably sounds sad). If you were to ask me, if the house were on fire, and you only had time to save your husband or your dogs, who would you save? I’m ashamed to say it, but it would be the dogs. The only human being who would trump the dogs would be my sister.

The thought of having any other human being trump the dogs sounds impossible. Sure, I wonder why I’m like this. I see a therapist every now and then. I read a book on relationships and listen to podcasts. Still meet up with my old coworker to exchange thoughts (she’s divorced). I’ve reflected on my childhood and have seemed to follow my parents’ footsteps (they are legally separated too, but don’t have any intention of divorcing). But I still can’t see myself truly reciprocating anything emotionally in a relationship. I probably sound rather coldhearted, but words of affirmation and affection/physical touch are not part of my love language. When I took that test, it was acts of service that was highest for me. I will continue to work on improving myself and getting myself out of my comfort zone, but do you have any tips on how to change my mindset from such certainty?

Thank you for reading and for your letters, I really enjoy reading them each week.

– Coldhearted