Q.

Hi Meredith, 

I’m in my 50s, and still reeling from what happened with my ex-husband. I would love some creative advice on finding peace and the ability to move forward without thinking about him and my past. 

In short, I’m still devastated about what happened in my multi-decade marriage (been single for five years, even longer if one considers the years of loneliness in the marriage). I loved this man deeply. We both had flaws. In the end, I think our values diverged and instead of fighting for me and our family (two children in early 20s now), he gave up and chose a different life. 

His life now is one without any responsibilities (no child support, no alimony, no room for his kids at his place, no need for him to parent). He has been underemployed for years and has chosen playing music in bars as his avocation. I always knew he was an artist and supported that, but I assumed it was a hobby and not a life, and as it became his full priority, I was left with a sometimes-partner. 

In the last few years he stayed in the home, there was no partnership, no communication. We tried counseling, but he rarely said anything, and in a stupid effort to draw him out, to understand, I talked too much. In the end, there was some ugliness (we will leave it at that). I tried to forgive and said I wanted a marriage with him, but he left me and the kids. 

At times during these last years without him, he has not returned calls, he has been inconsistent with his kids. He has essentially abandoned us. 

We learned toward the end that he had mental health issues, and looking back on things, this knowledge gave me perspective and an even greater desire to help him and to make things work between us. I think it gave him the excuse he wanted for many years – to start his live over again, and without me. 

So, why is it that I wake up every morning to see what he has posted on his social media (something I did when we were still together to feel like I was still part of him somehow)? I even see who has liked his posts and get a sense for who is in his life (women). 

I’ve truly tried moving on and living a life. I have my kids, who live with me, and we enjoy time together. I’ve picked a career back up after not working for a few years during the marriage. It took courage and I’m getting more confident and feeling some success in that area of my life. It takes more of my time and stress than I would like, but I realize I need to have job security to finish supporting the kids. I have tried counseling, although to save money, I’ve stopped that. 

I’ve tried dating websites and met a few people. It didn’t work out (I’ve been finding broken people, like me, and it doesn’t feel good). I am OK being single. I’m moving out of the home we shared, so that may help. I’ve pursued some interests/hobbies, but I also find that after devoting too much time and worry at work, I feel hollowed out and too tired to pursue activities, at least during the week. I simply want to feel better.

I know I would not want the life my ex is leading now (I don’t want to be in pubs at 10 p.m. on a Friday night listening to the same songs, wishing he was singing to me but knowing he was not…), worrying about his health and happiness, trying to understand him.

My family is not close, and I don’t want to feel like a burden to my small group of friends. I am seeking some creative advice on moving on. I realize that after I pack up the house I love and move, I’ll have some time to work on things. Aside from more counseling, what can you suggest? Please make it inexpensive. I am constantly worried about finances and making sure my kids have what they need. And please suggest things that are safe for a single woman.

– Still sad