I want to open my marriage

Tuesday | July 16, 2024

Love Letters Marriage

I want to open my marriage

I am married for the second time. I am 60, my husband is 70. It is a good marriage; we’re affectionate, have similar interests, freedom to pursue our own interests, and be with our girlfriends/buddies. Having had an unhappy first marriage, I am grateful to have had this second opportunity.

However, many months ago, my husband announced that he no longer has any interest in sex. He hasn’t reacted well to the medication for that, and at this stage in his life is happy to have a companion. When I told my gal pals about this, they either told me I was lucky to no longer be bothered or to just please myself.

I thought I would get over it, but I miss sex, the foreplay, talking after, and the overall intimacy experience. I have mentioned a friends-with-benefits relationship with my husband and this has been hurtful to him. I have the opportunity for this but do not want to be deceitful.

In the beginning, my husband adopted a “don’t ask, don’t tell” response, but I didn’t think he meant it. The last time I brought this subject up he told me he just didn’t want to know. I can only imagine what the response would have been if we were in opposite positions.

I am conflicted. I love my husband – he is affectionate, funny, smart, and my best friend, but I am sexually restless. I am considering counseling for me/us. I want permission and don’t think I will ever get it.

– Permission

I love the counseling idea (no surprise there).

It would help to talk to a therapist who understands non-monogamy. So many people are in open relationships, and it would be nice to understand what that arrangement can look like.

It doesn’t sound like your husband has given you a real green light to go outside of the marriage for what you want, but that could be because he doesn’t have the language to talk about boundaries. That’s another reason to seek counseling – to learn how have complicated conversations.

I do wonder whether the two of you still share other kinds of physical pleasure. Some of what you miss is the cuddling/pillow talk, right? You can ask about simple physical affection. As in, “Let’s hold each other and talk, with no pressure for more.”

Also, maybe your husband is open to trying other treatments/therapies. You don’t want to put too much pressure on him, but if he’s interested in other possible medical solutions, there might be more conversations he can have with his doctor.

But first, therapy – and keep us posted. Many other people have this problem and would love to know how to find a path to a more pleasurable place.

– Meredith

Readers? Can this couple work their way to a more open arrangement? Would it be so bad if the LW started this FWB arrangement now? How have you dealt with changing sex drives in a long relationship?

What’s been on your mind about relationships? Ask your own question. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].

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Featured Comment

Dear LW this must be frustrating for you and your husband. But going for an open marriage when only one person wants it is a very dangerous path. You run the risk of losing your husband over this, and you also take a chance that you will develop feelings for your new sexual partner. I don’t see how the marriage will survive in its current form if you go this route without your husband’s buy-in. Trust will be broken. Whenever you go to the grocery store he may wonder if in fact you are actually meeting up with a sex partner. Your girlfriends’ ideas about self-pleasuring may be your best first step – along with the therapy of course. And good luck today dear LW – you’re probably going to get a lot of responses to this letter.

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