Q.

This is really difficult letter to write. I have to be honest about how stupid, selfish, and foolish I’ve been for the last couple of years.

I got married to a man five years ago. I was in my mid-20s, bouncing from one short-term relationship to the next. When I say short-term, I mean some of the relationships lasted an hour or two, if that. I was a waitress in a trendy restaurant, never saved a penny, and went out after work every night and partied till dawn. I slept with a lot of guys, and I can’t say I didn’t enjoy every second of it. 

The man I married represented a real change in my life, and I wanted to commit to it. He was smart enough to know that I couldn’t go instantly from party girl to happily married monogamous wife, so he worked out a model for us that gave me my freedom while he stayed faithful to me.

We wound up moving to Europe after he took a job there, and we found a beautiful apartment in a city that does sleep. I had an allowance and started dressing like an adult in expensive clothes and dining in nice restaurants where we were waited on – a nice change for someone who hated being a server.

Then came a man from Germany who moved into an apartment a floor below in the same building. Either he seduced me or vice versa, but within a week of meeting him I was spending a couple nights a week with him, and then four or five nights, and finally I was basically living with him instead of my husband. I thought it was just a fling. I still loved my husband and talked to him every day, but this other man and I had such chemistry.

I wound up leaving my husband to travel with this other man. That was a year ago and we’ve been all over the world. We even got married in one of these countries, even though I know it is illegal to be married to two people. It was just done on a whim, and I thought it didn’t mean anything until it did. 

Now we are staying at this man’s parents’ beach house, and they think I am his wife, which technically I am, but my real husband is someone else and always will be. I want out of this relationship and to go back to my husband. He doesn’t know about the second marriage, and it would upset him if he found out.

I also am fully aware of my shortcomings as a person. The reason it has been so easy to be with this other man this past year is he is just as immature as I am. 

I know I like the thrill of being with someone new too much to ever give it up. I know I get away with far more than most women because of my looks but to be honest, on the grand scale, my husband (the real one) is better looking than I am, and I resent that. I also resent that he is successful and came from nothing, and I have never done anything substantial in my life. 

Worst of all, I know I can make every vow to myself to change, but if another handsome man takes an interest in me, I’ll go right back to the easy path in life. What’s even more depressing is that my husband doesn’t expect me to change in the slightest.

I am leaving this second man next week and I am too much of a coward to tell him that. I will just take the ferry and catch a flight.

I wish I had a purpose in life and a dream that inspired me. I need someone to tell me in no uncertain terms what to do.

– Leaving